Is hate a fair word to use here? Maybe, maybe not, but it's likely you'll develop some sort of issues...


Is hate a fair word to use here? Maybe, maybe not, but it's likely you'll develop some sort of issues with your partner after the baby arrives and sometimes those issues can result in some powerfully mad feelings. Why:  I hear many couples make bold statements early on like, "We're a two partner team with this baby raising stuff." OR "We divide up all the tasks - we're equals." It sounds good, but in my experience, it's rarely true when you break it down. What I went through, what my girlfriends go through, and what I see as an outsider is more like this... The mama who just gave birth does the majority of the baby care, house care, family entertaining, manages the baby's schedule (doctor appointments and so on), tries to organize the baby memory books, and still tries to fit in stuff like showers, time with her partner, and paid employment. I've never seen an equal split of tasks among new parents. Maybe it happens but I don't see it. A common complaint among 90% of my female friends is that they do all of the above all day long, then their partner gets home from work and wants to relax rather than help, so the mama takes on the night shift as well. OR the mama works all day just like her partner, but guess who takes on the baby care after work. It's easy to get cranky, irritated, and really mad at your partner when it feels like you're doing all the baby work. Eventually those same women who say, "We divide up all the tasks - we're equals." are saying things like, "I can't stand it - I never get help - I'm tired - I want to smack that partner of mine upside the head." OK violence is not cool, so yeah, don't really smack your partner upside the head, but feelings like the above are totally normal. More so when you're sleep deprived due to baby care. What you can do: Involve your partner from the start. Studies show that partners, especially male partners, are more inclined to help with baby care if they attend child birth classes, are involved in baby decisions before the birth, and feel included and important. Help your partner out. Many people are really clueless about babies. Not all of us were babysitters. Not all of us expected to have kids. I know tons of people who say, "My baby was the first baby I held." Some people are nervous and need a little help to get going with baby care. Don't baby your partner. In same sex couples I don't see this so much, but in male-female relationships it's common to see the woman take over simply because she thinks she can do a better job (myself included). Give your partner a chance to be a parent. Ask for help. Maybe your partner doesn't get just how tired you are. People can't read minds, so let your partner know you need more help and be specific. Realize that this is part of being a parent. It's hard to adjust to parenthood - for both parents. There will be some relationship changes and strains guaranteed. If you go into this parenting deal thinking it'll all be cake and hugs, you're seriously watching too many Hallmark movies. It's hard to be a parent. It's hard to be a couple parenting together. It's manageable and gets easier if you communicate and work together, but it's never just easy. After your baby arrived what changes occurred in your relationship with your partner? [image via here]

Tags: baby changes relationship dad not helping out how to have a baby and a relationship problems after baby comes relationship issues

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