This is going to sound terrible, and I have yet to hear any other pregnant woman say this, but I'll be honest. I AM TIRED OF BEING PREGNANT! So far it has been all work and no play and the first trimester is a hellish place to be right now.

Morning sickness returned with a vengeance and brought along a torturous friend, sinus infection. Up until now, I had managed to work through all the nausea and vomiting and dizzy spells, but the one-two punch of both pregnancy and illness is more than I can withstand.

I left early from work yesterday, and although I am back today, I want nothing more than to be closed up in a dark, cold, quiet room.

I'm starting to worry a little, it has been two days and I can't hold even ice down, I've lost 6 pounds so far and I see no relief on the horizon. Most of what I have read says that this is okay, but I also read statistics that the amount of weight you gain during your first trimester greatly affects the baby's birth weight. Women who gained no weight or lost weight in their first trimester were more likely to have low birth weight babies, even if they made up the weight difference in their second and third trimester. It is kinda scary, but what can I do?

Next week is my first midwife appointment! I am so excited because I think that I will get to hear the baby's heart beat! I know that Colin is going to love that!

Poor Colin, I know it is hard for him to watch me being sick all the time. He feels so bad and keeps telling me that if he could, he would carry the baby for me.

Everyone is being so kind and helpful and supportive over the last few weeks and it really makes it so much better than having to go through this alone. My mom brought me my favorite summer dinner on Monday- squash, field peas, cornbread, and okra- and I was in heaven! Colin was volunteering that night and she and I just sat and talked while we ate the goodies.

She is of course still trying to push certain names for the baby and wants to know every name we have thought of so far. I think if we decide on a name before the baby is born, we won't tell anyone -- I have no desire to hear peoples comments. Once the baby is already named people will probably be less inclined to be insulting.

My belly is finally beginning to grow, despite the weight loss. At night it sometimes feels 'heavy' and full, like there isn't any room left for so much as a sip of water, and then the next morning it seems flatter than before. It seems to swell up and then shrink back down.

I bought a pair of Seven maternity jeans with just a little panel on them and they are perfect at this point. I certainly don't look pregnant, just like I'm carrying an extra roll around my belly area, but it is still uncomfortable to wear regular pants and have them cutting into that roll when I sit or bend over. Everyone keeps asking impatiently when I am going to start 'showing' and I try to explain that it will still be awhile... but I can't wait either.

I was feeling so good last week that I made all kinds of plans for this 4th of July weekend, and am now regretting it. I am a cotton candy fiend, and every year that is all that I want from the local carnival, but I just can't imagine venturing out in the heat and the masses to obtain some. We are suppose to go to two BBQs and I am wondering if I can really do it.

Ugh! I miss my old self. I miss walking up stairs and not getting dizzy, going out on the weekends, eating foods that I liked, making love to my husband, visiting friends and gosh how I miss having a clean house!

Perhaps my outlook is a bit dim right now, but I am just being honest, and I do know that it shouldn't be long until things start looking up. They just have to!


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