This week's entry has been subdivided into seven parts, as it courses through nearly the past year of my life and leads up to this point. The events from this past year are having a direct effect on my pregnancy, and much history needs to be given so that my emotions and future entries can be better understood. Once I started writing this entry two days ago, I found that I had far more inside of me that needed to come out than I thought I did, and it turned out to be quite lengthy, hence the need for the "chapter" feel of this week 5 entry.

I am overjoyed that I am pregnant and that our last baby is on his or her way, but at the same time I am going through a difficult trial.

It is hard for me to be ecstatically happy about the pregnancy the way I want to be when I know that somewhere, there is a very dear friend struggling with the fact that I am, indeed, expecting a baby. I am carrying an immense weight of guilt, and at this point it's almost overwhelming to deal with. I feel like I'm treading on a delicate precipice between a friendship being ultimately strengthened through this difficult time and losing that friendship altogether.

Sarah and I are more than just friends, and I have to maintain my hold on that to believe that we can overcome this; just six months ago, I almost got pregnant with her baby. It sounds bizarre, doesn't it?

The fact of the matter is that I was her gestational surrogate, and for six months I dedicated my life to trying to help her and her husband, Paul, bring a baby of their own into this world.

The bond that we share is ineffable; I'm not sure that I can't even come near fully describing the depths of the bond that we share.

Now here I am, happily pregnant with my own baby, but still wishing that I was pregnant with hers, and though I know that somewhere inside she's happy for me, I know that she also is wishing that I was pregnant with her baby, and the thought is tearing both of us up inside.

To read Week 5, part 2, click here.


recommended for you