How To Decide If Another Is Right For You
The question:My wife wants to have another child, but I'm not sure I'm ready. The first one keeps us so busy already that we barely have time for the both of us. What should I do?
Armin Brott answers:
For a lot of couples, the question about whether to have another child isn't really a question; it's a given. For others, though, the issue is more complicated.
And most of the problems have to do with exactly what you're going through in your home: One spouse wants a second (or third) child while the other isn't nearly as excited about the prospect. Unfortunately, there's no easy solution to this problem.
The time crunch, as you mention, is a common concern of prospective second-time parents. But it's usually not the only thing they're worried about. So sit down and make a list of other factors as well. You might want to start with these:
- Finances.Can you really afford another baby? Does not having enough money really make a difference for you?
- Your own childhood. Were you an only child, or did you have brothers and sisters? How did you like growing up that way?
- Ability to love more than one child. Are you worried that you won't be able to love your second child as much as the first one? While this is an incredibly common worry, the simple answer is that your capacity to love your children -- no matter how many you have -- is infinite.
- Labor and delivery. Are you worried about putting your partner through another painful pregnancy and labor? Because she's the one going through it, leave that decision to her. Consider, though, that while being a parent is exhausting enough, trying to be a parent while you're pregnant is something altogether different. Is that OK for your partner?
- Your firstborn. Do you have a child with a difficult temperament? If so, keep in mind that your next child's temperament may not exactly mirror your firstborn's.
When you've put your list together and had a chance to think through each of your concerns, schedule a time to talk them over with your wife. You'll probably find that, even though she's more gung ho than you are right now, she shares many of them with you.